Self Introduction: Col. N. Hamilton

Is this thing working? Okay, so... uh... Hi? I'm Nathan Hamilton, or just Nate, as most people call me. I'm pretty much just your average dude, and there isn't much to say about who exactly I am. But, I guess I'll let you in on what little there is to know about me. I might miss out on some shit too, so cut me some slack.

If you were expecting my exact age and birth date, prepare to be disappointed. I'm not disclosing any of that information. I was raised in your average city in Texas, and came along school relatively easily towards the beginning. However, my life turned for the worse once I was forced to move into a ghetto area after third grade. I hated the school that I went to, along with everyone but a select few that attended it. This is getting into some uncharted territory as far as most people know, so right now I'm letting you in on some well-kept secrets. My dad and my mother both lost their jobs by the time Thanksgiving break hit, and after that my life went completely downhill. My parents both became alcoholics and fought night and day over the stupidest of things, and I always forced myself outside to remove myself from them. One day, however, I had realized that my life had finally hit rock bottom.

After being ridiculed by my only friends and some pompous "head-of-the-school" douchebag, I was just heading for my shitty stolen bike before I was stopped and knocked to the ground by the fore-mentioned group of kids. They spouted every possible defaming word and kicked me around before the pompous asshole spat on me and delivered one last kick to my head, which really hurt, and turned around to leave me on the ground. Instead of sitting there like I usually had done when the others did this to me, I got up and headed straight for the dickhead that spat on me and curb stomped me- and I proceeded to do one of the things I still regret doing to this day. I shoved his friend away from him and swept him to the ground, all within a few hundred milliseconds. I grasped the sides of his head with both of my hands and slammed his skull into the ground repeatedly. I refused to stop even after I saw blood, and I the only reason I came to a halt was because I realized what I had done. Luckily the kid survived, but with some severe brain damage. That day I skipped home and went straight for the heart of the city, which was the only place I could redeem myself in.

I'm not at liberty to talk about how the rest of school went for me, but it is safe to say that the rest of my life until college was quite a breeze, and I even started making a fair amount of money from a couple of easy jobs I had. College, however, was a whole separate story. I pretty much stopped giving a shit about my life and thought, "wow, isn't it incredible that an ant like me could fail so hard and so extravagantly, yet no one would notice?" But, soon after I gained this mentality I met the one and only, drum roll please, Aaron Maximus! And also, this is the more advertised part of my life, since Aaron is in it and knows most of it. We pretty much thought that it'd be cool if we joined the Army, so we did, and soon after we became such not-that-bad soldiers that the Army RANGERS let us in!

We went on many adventures, like that one time we went and mindlessly slaughtered a bunch of terrorists in the name of "AMERICA!", and another time we went and got blown up by- oh wait, no that was just Aaron. Somehow he lived, and I was pretty glad because his doctor's sister was pretty hot. I asked her out, and she was like "Fuck yeah!", because you know, she has to show enthusiastic consent and all that jazz. We ended up getting married, and also Aaron liked his doctor, so they fucked and got married too.

What sucked, though, was when our "soul mates" decided to go out and do shit with us on our endeavors on the battlefield. Soon enough after, there was a raid on our base where everyone usually stayed at, and my partner, along with Aaron's, were... yeah, after that I kinda thought, "what the fuck am I even doing with my life" and just kinda froze for a little while. But, life moved on without me and doubled up on the shit that it threw at me. Apparently I found some kind of love again, and so did Aaron. We wasted a huge amount of time doing this weird time travelling shit, and we tried to find something that... you know what, I don't even remember, but pretty much we had big red X's on our heads once we got back to the normal military stuff. Aaron's girl left him after a bit and I had to dump my new lover for what I thought was the "greater good".

After a while Aaron and I got put into the "Spec Ops Unit 115", which was short lived, because not too long after we were appointed, I forced myself to quit. Aaron grew to be too much of a spotlight whore, so I pushed myself out of the spotlight and also grew to hate him. After I told Aaron that I didn't like him, we parted ways. I could care less what he did for all that time after, for all I know he could've become a stripper. I decided to put my dead time to good use, and picked up some useful skills along the way. However, most of my time was spent doing one of two things: honing my hand-to-hand combat abilities, and getting good at car drifting. Almost no one knows about this, but again I'll let you in on some hidden secrets from my past.

If I wasn't slamming my fists into a brick wall or fist-fighting some of the greatest martial artists I know, I was almost definitely spending my time in a car. Like I told you, I decided to get into drifting. There was an underground drag race-like drifting community that I got myself into just for fun. We'd essentially set a course for two drifters to race on and see who would make to the finish line first or at all. I started from being a scrub, and with the help from some friends I soon found myself competing against some of the most notorious drifters in the community. Just to name a few, I know there was Zephyr, Robynh, and Defalt, but I couldn't list them all. One day, though, I was forced to abandon all of this because of a fucking phone call from the one and only, drum roll please, Ren Kimura! That's right, "The Anger", as we all know her, threw *67 and my phone number together and pretty much resurrected my dead time. She told me to do stuff so I did, and I also thought she was kinda hot, so I said "Hey, wanna bang?" and she said "Sure." And I know what you're thinking, that wasn't very enthusiastic! Well you know what? I don't think she cared.

Wait, do I have a time limit or something? Oh okay, cool.

So after that whole thing, we went out to do some stuff one day and then she was like "Wait you were friends with Aaron?" and then she shot me in the face. But then Aaron came to the rescue and was like "dude you died" and I got mad at him, because why not, and then I thought, "Well shit now what do I do?" and saw that this organization or something called Horizine or Horzine or something was pretty much hiring mercenaries to kill things called ZEDs, and I thought "Hey, I've done this stuff before" and applied to it. Soon after I found myself stuck somewhere in Europe because the only dudes that helped me get into Europe in the first place abandoned me. I was pretty much stranded in a "ZED" infested Europe with nowhere to go. I wandered aimlessly throughout cities, or at least what was left of them, and just thought, "FUCK IT! Aaron can't find me here!" and barricaded myself in some apartment or something. My plan was ruined when one "Kari Frost" and her two ding dongs came knockin' at my door. They pretty much saved me from myself and then we went on in the world for a little while, until the two ding dongs died. That sucked. The dude that abandoned me, who is known as "Scully", and Ren somehow met us along the way and weren't very nice, but eventually were nice and let us off. At first I was just gonna be buds with Kari but she's hot and I couldn't resist her persuasiveness for long, and we started a thing together.

We left Europe and headed for Florida, but then I met the three muske-fucks in weird masks, or who I know now as Jacob, Ren, and Aki. These dudes are pretty weird. They dragged me into some kind of satanic ritual killing thing to honor some dude called "Jacket", which is a pretty dumb name if you ask me. Soon I was caught by them to be me, and then I fuckin booked it to California with Kari. But I couldn't escape Aki, who said she was sorry and was like "yo I found these two dudes that are pretty cool, wanna join in?" and me, having nothing to do, decided "fuck it" and joined them. We do things that are pretty cool and get paid pretty well.

After this stuff happened, this team called "Rainbow Six" hit Kari and I up and were like, "Yo join us we're building a huge Counter-Terrorist mob", so we did. There's not much to that.

A lot of random things have happened since the more recent times, so I'll start from after everyone else also hopped in on the Rainbow bandwagon. The Jacob dude tracked me down and decided that he didn't like me very much, so he tried to kill me. He said something about me being a terrorist or a threat to America or something, I didn't really listen to him. But after he finished rambling Kari decided to charge Jacob and then she rekt him, and he died. Somehow, after Jacob shot Kari three times, she still survived, but barely. I honestly have no idea how she did it, but she did.

After a little while Aki tried to do something dumb so I stopped her, and then I met this dude called Simon. He recruited me along with Aki, some girl named Hyun-Ae, and another dude named Asher to go on some missions. We pretty much just fucked shit up and made a ton of money doing it, and also I got to dress up as a hooligan in a rooster mask, a brown jacket, and acid-washed skinny jeans. That was quite the fun-time. I think Simon is going to discontinue our groupie because not too long ago we did a job and stole something that seemed dangerous and important, but we almost died doing it. Simon came to the rescue and we got out alive, even though we had some pretty heavy artillery being shoved up our asses. Before that, though, Simon decided to be a meany head and broke my gun and my arm, both of which I value very much.

Just a little while ago Aki decided to take over the city that me and Kari live in, and also she decided to take me, Alex, and Asher with her to do this thing called the Ozaki-8, that was fun. I almost died a couple of times, it was pretty cool. After that, Simon led all of us on a snipe hunt, chasing after these specially modified ARX-160's. Kari got one, but I was too careless to even try to look for one. Also, I've come to terms recently that I've been a bit of a shit head, so I began a personal campaign working towards becoming a better person! Yes, that does include being nicer to Aaron too.

So, uh... that's all? Okay good.